My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
