she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
