Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
