I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
