when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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