just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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