also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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