I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Randomize
