I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
