...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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