Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
