That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
