I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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