I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're too hungover to prance.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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