My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
