im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
