In the future we'll all be gay
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
