I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
