Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
