Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
