Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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