You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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