I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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