I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
