Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
tell me about the eggs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
