the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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