Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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