I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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