mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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