I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
