So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
