how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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