I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
