there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
