there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
