Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
