so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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