someone threw a dead crab at me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
