i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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