remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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