i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
