My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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