Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
