I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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