First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
