My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
