if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
