is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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