I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
