You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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